Romantic fantasies of what constitutes a healthy relationship are almost as common in real life as they are in songs, movies and novels. Who doesn't know someone perpetually searching for Mr. or Ms. Right? Who doesn't know someone searching for the perfect mate to finish her incomplete sentences, to make her feel happy and whole?
But how often have you seen these same people fall again and again for others who turn out to be absolutely wrong for them? Their choices make you wonder: How can love be so blind?
Why love is blind
When people lack self-esteem or feel insecure, they often seek out partners to compensate for what's lacking in themselves — whether what's lacking is real or perceived.
Maria, who wants to remain anonymous, is one of three siblings raised by loving, Italian immigrant parents who moved to the United States to make a better life for their family.
When she started elementary school in an affluent New York suburb, Maria, was taunted for being the only one in her class who knew no English. By high school, she was one of the most popular girls in her grade.
Although she never graduated from college, Maria achieved her dream of becoming a successful entrepreneur. She was pretty, intelligent, warm and capable, but her relationships with men went nowhere.
"I always thought if I met a smarter man, that would elevate me to a different category," she says. She was dogged in her pursuit of a well-educated, brilliant man who would make her feel complete: an intellectual equal to her peers.
But each time she dated one, she felt insecure and clingy. Many turned out to be control freaks who gave her no space.
The consequences weren't pretty. Why would someone want to be in a relationship with a woman who lacked self-confidence? Before long, someone always opted out.
With her therapist, she discovered what was undermining her ability to find a mate: She avoided or passed over men who might have been suitable partners because she was always looking for that brainy man.
Her new insight allowed her to move forward. "You can't get self-esteem from someone else," she says. "It has to come from within." Maria began taking courses and cultivating new interests that made her a more attractive person, and not just to men.
"It is easy to get fooled when you are feeling in love," writes therapist John Van Epp, Ph.D., in his book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind (McGraw-Hill, October 2006). He points out that, in retrospect, there are always signs that something is amiss from the beginning, but lovers often ignore them, hoping things will improve.
"Not until after a breakup — or sometimes after a wedding — does the light bulb come on," he says.
Two preliminary studies led by neuroscientist Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., of University College in London and published in the November 2000 issue of NeuroReport1 and the March 1, 2004, issue of NeuroImage2 may provide a biological explanation for this phenomenon.
Using a technique called functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the researchers measured brain activity while mothers and other volunteers who professed to be "truly, deeply and madly in love" were shown pictures of their children and partners. Researchers compared participants' responses to those pictures with their responses to less emotionally charged pictures.
The researchers found that both maternal and romantic love actually suppress the areas of the brain responsible for critical thinking. This might explain why people in feel-good relationships tend to suspend rational thinking and act from their hearts instead of their heads.
"Initially, it feels good," says Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a psychologist and relationship expert from Long Island, N.Y. "But the feeling doesn't last if someone is not internally happy with who they are.
"The loss of such relationships can be quite devastating," she adds. "When you have invested so much emotional energy in one individual, you almost feel as if you are going to die. Such break-ups can re-open old wounds, even ones from childhood."
To avoid disappointment, do your homework
To make better choices, you need to take the time to know, understand and accept yourself. Don't rush into relationships too quickly.
"Before choosing a mate, individuals need to learn as much as they can about who they are, their strengths and weaknesses, what motivates them and what drives them nuts, and what they can live with and what they cannot," says Barbara D. Petty, who teaches relationship-building skills through the University of Idaho Extension program.
Remember, too, that low self-esteem is something that can be changed. Healthy people are generally attracted to people who are self-confident, happy and interested in life — people who don't need others to feel complete.
"An individual should prepare to contribute to a relationship rather than draw from it," says Petty. A good foundation comes from close friendships and social supports; financially and emotionally rewarding work or other activities, hobbies and creative outlets; and an interest in one's community and the world at large.
Experts also stress the importance of having appropriate expectations. "It's vital to really get to know your partner, his or her needs, strengths and weaknesses, too," says Van Epp.
"A couple may not always agree on everything, but it's important to explore the other person's values, conscience, previous relationships, family and goals before considering a long-term relationship."
Lastly, you need to be alert to the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you answer yes to the following questions, your relationship may be in trouble:
Do you feel like you need to be with your mate or partner to feel complete?
Do you feel unworthy of your mate?
Do you relinquish your own identity when you are together?
Does your mate ever call you clingy or needy?
Do your good friends question your relationship?
Has your relationship made you sacrifice or weaken your connection to family, friends, hobbies or work?
"A relationship isn't supposed to be the one thing that can make you happy. It can enhance you, but it won't complete you," says Sherman.
"Everything you need to know about a relationship is there from the beginning; you just have to watch for it," she adds. "And if all your friends are saying you're blinded by the relationship, they're probably on to something."
Maria, who wants to remain anonymous, is one of three siblings raised by loving, Italian immigrant parents who moved to the United States to make a better life for their family.
When she started elementary school in an affluent New York suburb, Maria, was taunted for being the only one in her class who knew no English. By high school, she was one of the most popular girls in her grade.
Although she never graduated from college, Maria achieved her dream of becoming a successful entrepreneur. She was pretty, intelligent, warm and capable, but her relationships with men went nowhere.
"I always thought if I met a smarter man, that would elevate me to a different category," she says. She was dogged in her pursuit of a well-educated, brilliant man who would make her feel complete: an intellectual equal to her peers.
But each time she dated one, she felt insecure and clingy. Many turned out to be control freaks who gave her no space.
The consequences weren't pretty. Why would someone want to be in a relationship with a woman who lacked self-confidence? Before long, someone always opted out.
With her therapist, she discovered what was undermining her ability to find a mate: She avoided or passed over men who might have been suitable partners because she was always looking for that brainy man.
Her new insight allowed her to move forward. "You can't get self-esteem from someone else," she says. "It has to come from within." Maria began taking courses and cultivating new interests that made her a more attractive person, and not just to men.
"It is easy to get fooled when you are feeling in love," writes therapist John Van Epp, Ph.D., in his book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind (McGraw-Hill, October 2006). He points out that, in retrospect, there are always signs that something is amiss from the beginning, but lovers often ignore them, hoping things will improve.
"Not until after a breakup — or sometimes after a wedding — does the light bulb come on," he says.
Two preliminary studies led by neuroscientist Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., of University College in London and published in the November 2000 issue of NeuroReport1 and the March 1, 2004, issue of NeuroImage2 may provide a biological explanation for this phenomenon.
Using a technique called functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the researchers measured brain activity while mothers and other volunteers who professed to be "truly, deeply and madly in love" were shown pictures of their children and partners. Researchers compared participants' responses to those pictures with their responses to less emotionally charged pictures.
The researchers found that both maternal and romantic love actually suppress the areas of the brain responsible for critical thinking. This might explain why people in feel-good relationships tend to suspend rational thinking and act from their hearts instead of their heads.
"Initially, it feels good," says Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a psychologist and relationship expert from Long Island, N.Y. "But the feeling doesn't last if someone is not internally happy with who they are.
"The loss of such relationships can be quite devastating," she adds. "When you have invested so much emotional energy in one individual, you almost feel as if you are going to die. Such break-ups can re-open old wounds, even ones from childhood."
To avoid disappointment, do your homework
To make better choices, you need to take the time to know, understand and accept yourself. Don't rush into relationships too quickly.
"Before choosing a mate, individuals need to learn as much as they can about who they are, their strengths and weaknesses, what motivates them and what drives them nuts, and what they can live with and what they cannot," says Barbara D. Petty, who teaches relationship-building skills through the University of Idaho Extension program.
Remember, too, that low self-esteem is something that can be changed. Healthy people are generally attracted to people who are self-confident, happy and interested in life — people who don't need others to feel complete.
"An individual should prepare to contribute to a relationship rather than draw from it," says Petty. A good foundation comes from close friendships and social supports; financially and emotionally rewarding work or other activities, hobbies and creative outlets; and an interest in one's community and the world at large.
Experts also stress the importance of having appropriate expectations. "It's vital to really get to know your partner, his or her needs, strengths and weaknesses, too," says Van Epp.
"A couple may not always agree on everything, but it's important to explore the other person's values, conscience, previous relationships, family and goals before considering a long-term relationship."
Lastly, you need to be alert to the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you answer yes to the following questions, your relationship may be in trouble:
Do you feel like you need to be with your mate or partner to feel complete?
Do you feel unworthy of your mate?
Do you relinquish your own identity when you are together?
Does your mate ever call you clingy or needy?
Do your good friends question your relationship?
Has your relationship made you sacrifice or weaken your connection to family, friends, hobbies or work?
"A relationship isn't supposed to be the one thing that can make you happy. It can enhance you, but it won't complete you," says Sherman.
"Everything you need to know about a relationship is there from the beginning; you just have to watch for it," she adds. "And if all your friends are saying you're blinded by the relationship, they're probably on to something."
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